My friend and I are having a little debate over the rules of upgrading. Yes, I mean the upgrade of girls/guys in relationships not pentium 4 processors with dual core intel chips inside.
I think all men have the potential to upgrade. She thinks there are some men who can’t upgrade. And so the argument begins. Sorry to bring YOU into this, but you’re shit outta luck.
If you’re a guy, settle down and strap yourself in for the ride Romeo, you’re going to learn something in the next 2 minutes. If you’re a girl, I know you don’t like waiting on us boys, but that’s too bad. You’ll have to wait until post #2 to get your turn.
Upgrading - The act of a man/female moving to another partner in which better value is assumed.
For the guys
Guys are strange creatures, actually we’re not, we’re pretty straight forward. I’d like to categorize us into three buckets: useless, bitch don’t care, and mama’s boy.
Guys, stop for a second and think about which one you are. You’ll be doing yourself a favour, trust me. Are you useless? Are you a bitch that doesn’t care? Or are you a mama’s boy? Girl’s, I know you couldn’t wait until next week to get your Turkish delight, so you can join the fun too. Think of what category your boyfriend fits into and play along with us!
1) Useless - It’s easy to pinpoint the useless boys. Just look for the guys who have no money, no job, and common sense the size of a halloween snickers bar. The combination of these three characteristics makes you useless. These type of people do dumb shit all day. It’s like a landfill that keeps growing…the more food you feed them and the toys you buy them, the more shit they create. So when a guy like this upgrades, I think women have a duty to stop the upgrade at its inflection point : the point of no return.
Girls are not doing their girl counterparts any favours by allowing the upgrade to happen. In fact, they’re not doing the guy any favours either. If the guy is useless and he upgrades, he’s going to continue to be useless. The only thing that changes is that he has experience in a girl putting up with his shit, so he thinks he has discovered the secret sauce to women. In fact, he’s going to keep this ’secret sauce’ to himself because he’s afraid of telling anyone in danger of people finding out and copying him. That’s how dumb he is. The problem is going to just compound and the result will be the guys you see in the club who come out of no where and start grinding on anything that has a heart beat. Women, if you don’t want to be that girl who has a random guy come grind on them then stop this upgrade! You’re only doing your fellow women population a favour. They have the “if it worked once, it must work all the time” mentality.
Guys, if you do upgrade, you’re awesome. The fact that you found a second girl that will put up with your shit, and the second girl has higher value than the first means some part of you is growing. Or it could mean that you’re good with chance and should play russian roulette or invest in this volatile Stock market with 1:10 leverage. But unfortunately, you have no money, so you still lose, you useless jarbrony.
2) Bitch don’t care - This guy is an automatic upgrader. Where as the useless boy has rare opportunities to upgrade and exercises them opportunistically, the bitch that doesn’t care constantly has upgrade alternatives. You can spot this guy easily. How you say? I’m getting to it….patience…
As a confident individual, he doesn’t let things phase him. If a girl denies him of an upgrade, he brushes his shoulders off like Jay-Z’s ‘Dirt off your shoulder’ and moves on. He actively has an upgrade list that he aimlessly tries to maintain. It’s like his driving record that he tries to keep clean so he can boast to his friends of how hardcore he is. A good number for this list is around 3-4 girls. That’s what we guys call our ‘rotation’. Infiltrate the guys rotation and it could set him back 4-5 months of hard work. You can see why he tries to protect it so diligently. The bitch is going to start to care when the heat is on and # of girls in rotation = 0.
3) The mama’s boy - Oh the mama’s boy. Are you still here? Thank you so much for waiting, you’re too kind! Out of the three groups, this guy has the least opportunity to find and execute a successful upgrade. You would think being useless would push you to the bottom of the totem pole, but alas, sorry mama’s boys, MOMMY can’t come to your rescue. The main reason why the mama’s boy has the least chance to upgrade is for one simple reason: they settle. They get the first girl that comes their way and they grasp on to them for dear life — letting the girl have all the control. Their social skills are weak to begin with and it doesn’t help that they don’t have great self-esteem either. They’re like the people on facebook who have their “looking for” status as “Whatever I can get”. Seriously?! You’re insulting yourself by putting that on your profile. NEWS FLASH….you’re better than that….
Although the prospects for you are dim, there is still hope. 2009 is about hope and change. Barack Obama said so. For you to make an upgrade, execute these 2 steps:
1) Get a new wardrobe. The Tommy Hilfiger coloroid pants and orthopedic inserts in your shoes aren’t working for you.
2) Be a man. No girl is going to let you upgrade to them if hanging out with you is like hanging out with their sister.
Start the upgrade progress..but don’t consult with mommy this time………..let me know how it goes. 2009 is the year of the upgrade.
There you go gents. I’m sorry if I’ve offended any of you during the writing of this post. It was truly a creative writing piece. If I have offended anyone, that’s too bad. Bitch don’t care. Quit being a useless mama’s boy………
See you next week ladies. 
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