Why communication is very important in relationships : So what are you trying to say…….

a boy and girl communicating

Communication is one of the most important drivers of successful relationships.

The types of communication can be broken into two: Verbal and non-Verbal.

Let’s focus on verbal communication first and leave non-verbal for another post. When people interpret things incorrectly, unnecessary problems start to come about as one person means to send one message to a person while the other person receives the message differently.

First person: I think. I encode. I speak.

Second person: I hear. I decode. I understand.

If the following equations held true, then we would have a state of “perfect communication”, in other words, what the first person is trying to say is exactly what the second person understands of person 1’s thinking:

1. Person 1 - I speak equals Person 2 - I hear
2. Person 1 - I encode equals Person 2 - I decode
3. Person 1 - I think equals Person 2 - I understand

So what’s the problem? Why is it so hard to make these states equal?

Communication works two ways. Becoming successful at communicating with people is determined by the effectiveness of the people communicating and the context that people come from.

Case and point: let’s talk about the courting process.

Say there is a guy named “Rick Pickup” and he likes a girl named “Sharlene Turnsdown”.

Now, Rick Pickup likes Sharlene Turnsdown. You personally may know a Sharlene Turnsdown. Sharlene is a very likeable, attractive and outgoing person. Based on her charming nature, good looks, and down to earth personality, men seem to develop a liking to her. Seeing as though a high majority of men don’t know how to approach women properly on the right things to say right out of the gate, she probably gets a lot of crap thrown at her in which she has to put up her defense mechanisms.

Rick Pickup could never tell Sharlene directly that he likes her so he decides to subtly drop hints that he may like her. However, if he were to tell her straight out it would look like this:

Rick says : “Hey Sharlene, I like you.”
Sharlene hears “Hey Sharlene, I like you.”
Sharlene decodes “Rick likes me”
Sharlene understands “Wow, he likes me, he’s cute!”
Sharlene responds “I like you too.”

Now because Rick can’t tell her what exactly he wants to say and decides to go around dropping hints it could pan out like this:

Rick says : “Hey Sharlene, I like hanging out with you.”
Sharlene hears “Hey Sharlene, I like hanging out with you.”
Sharlene decodes “Rick likes hanging out with me”
Sharlene understands “I must be fun to hang out with.”
Sharlene responds “Cool, thanks!”

Sharlene isn’t trying to turn him down or anything. She is just trying to respond to what she thinks Rick is trying to communicate to her.

If Rick Pickup keeps this behaviour up, he is certainly going to get himself into the friend zone.

So what are you trying to say, Rick?

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# Linked to 8 February 2010 in Articles by Pat Dryburgh

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» Filed Under Relationships, boys, girls